grief and pursuit of contentedness

Forgive me … time for some introspection.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been experiencing some grief over the changes from the accident.  It’s been strange, given how optimistic I’d felt.  It’s also a normal part of the process of coming to terms with how things are.

If I look at where I am relative to July 1st, I feel very fortunate to be alive, and to have recovered so nicely.  I also feel very fortunate to have had the positive experiences with family and friends during recovery.  This is the thing that carries my spirit the highest, because it felt so extraordinary.

If I look at where I am relative to June 30th, I feel sad.  I don’t see as well.  I look different.  I’m unable to run, bike, or drive currently.  I feel numb in much of my face, and about one-third of my head.  And I didn’t do anything wrong.  I was on my way to work, and was unfortunate enough to be in the path of someone who probably felt agitated about being late for his job interview, so he took too hard a right turn onto a side street.  And he took me with him.

I’ve never seen or spoken to this driver, and I probably never will.  All in all that’s best because I have no clear idea of what my feelings towards him are, or what I’d say to him.  All I know is that I’m forever changed by his actions.  And so is my family.

Someday, when I’ve come to terms with all of this, I’ll feel content with things again.  The interesting thing is that currently my discontent helps to fuel my zeal for recovery.  I’m determined to get back to doing what I enjoy (running and working), and determined not to let some bad luck get in my way.

Interesting set of circumstances.  My discontent fuels pursuit of my content.  And at a certain point, adaptation to these new circumstances will kick in.  At least I hope that’s the case.

Thanks for listening.

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